MY ADDICTION VS RECOVERY JOURNEY

My name is Mxolisi Sithole, a grateful recovering drug and alcohol addict. I would like to express my gratitude to God as I understand Him for yet another day clean and sober, living beyond my wildest dreams and still finding myself this side of the grave.

ADDICTION

I used drugs to feel good, and the first hit I took of my drug of choice did feel good. More than 10years of active days, I have been trying to chase that high I got, and I obsessed about it until……. I used drugs to feel normal, I could not function physically or mentally without my drug of choice or alcohol. The physical allergy I had made me take more and more substances. I suffer from a physical compulsion; I take one drug or drink and the body requires more. I can’t stop till I face bitter ends. I have a mind that forgets and a body that wants to kill me. I used to obsess about my next fix and did not care what I do to get that fix, steal, cheat, manipulate. The guilt, shame and blame became too much for me.

I used drugs and alcohol not to feel anymore. The criticism of being told I am useless and believing that I am useless and not good enough weighed heavy on my shoulders. Things like rejection and loneliness had me in a state of hopelessness. I had 2 suicide attempts; I was broken from the inside. The void inside of me was so big, I did not know who I was, and I could not relate to myself.  30minutes alone was too much for me to bear. I dropped the golden ball of my life and I used more and more because of what I have lost through my addiction.

Academically I was a good student. I had good jobs opportunities, good relationships, and the thought of this just made me use more. I had so much guilt, shame and blame that my belief system was that I am not good enough and I could never be good enough. I was sick tired of being sick and tired………….

RECOVERY

Almost 3 years on this journey and

By trusting the process of recovery, I started to live beyond my wildest dreams. I am grateful to the God of my understanding for each and every day clean and sober, and I realize that it`s not what God can do for me, but what I can do with God. The opposite of addiction is connection, connecting to myself again was the best gift I got from recovery. I have freedom from drugs and alcohol. Recovery is an inside job. I had to investigate my life in order to know exactly what made me pick up drugs and alcohol, so that I can let go, let God and trust the process of recovery. There is no greater wealth in this world than peace of mind. By right I should be dead, by law I should be in prison, by God`s grace I am still alive and free. Recovery thought me to accept the things I cannot change and gave me the courage to change the things I can. Getting to know myself, what I like, what I don’t like. Trough recovery relationships are being mended; trust is coming back. Recovery has taught me love, tolerance, acceptance, and how to be a productive member of society. Recovery is a journey not a destination. To stay on this journey, I need to be 3 things and do 5 things.

The three things I need to be are: Honest, Open minded and Willing. The five things I need to do are the 5 pillars of recovery:

1. God – Good orderly direction, pray, trust, faith, and hope.
2. 12 Steps – do my step work. 6 steps are about me and 6 steps are about asking God to help me.
3. Meetings – attend recovery meetings.
4. Service – Service keeps me clean, doing something for someone without expectations.
5. Sponsor – Work with a Sober Person Offering Newcomers Service in Recovery.

As long as I maintain an attitude of gratefulness for being clean, I find it easier to remain clean. The best way to express my gratitude is by carrying the message of hope, experience, and strength to any addict that has the desire to stop using.

I am a confirmed addict and a guaranteed alcoholic in recovery. God can do for me what I cannot do for myself.

Mxolisi Sithole

Counsellor