Dave-2-Pic

Recovery Vs social acceptability (Dry Drunk Syndrome).

The most common tell tale sign of addiction is when a person`s life becomes unmanageable as a result of substance abuse. The person abuses a substance and experiences physical, emotional, spiritual and socio-economical consequences. The family or dependents of the addicted person experience negative consequences as a result. Recovery then is when the addict stops using right? Unfortunately, it`s not that simple…

An addict or alcoholic who puts down their substance of choice gains what we call social acceptability not recovery, there’s a difference. Social acceptability is achieved when the addict is able to stay clean for a period of time, and seems presentable in the eyes of society. The addict does not work on the core reasons why he/she is using. The physical picking up of drugs or alcohol is a symptom of something else. Something that lies deep in the subconscious of the addict. Childhood trauma, abuse, the feeling of rejection felt when parents get divorced, being molested, being the victim of a home invasion, a traumatic car accident, the death of a loved one, any past situation that is too painful to deal with. The person then makes a subconscious decision to slip into denial because of an inability to deal with the fear and emotion related to the trauma. This decision is cemented into the core of a person and never questioned. The situation is created were a person sits with an emotional/spiritual root disease or problem and a “substance of choice” becomes the medicine for this emotional/spiritual problem. When the addict puts down the substance of choice the problem remains. The addict lives a life on the run from an internal and invisible enemy. Drug and alcohol lie to the addict in their own voice, presenting its self as the weapon to fight this enemy.

As an addict in recovery I can attest, I have achieved social acceptability many times during my active addiction without attempting to deal with the internal struggle with my own childhood trauma. It was during these times that opportunities were awarded to me. Employment, education, new relationships… All subject to the inevitable derailing of my temporary state of dedication to self-improvement, motivated by the last harsh beating active addiction rained down on me. When I put down the drugs and alcohol without replacing it with a program of recovery, I become socially acceptable, but also what is known as a dry drunk/addict. I still sit with the internal chaos of pain, loneliness and despair and I attempt to live life feeling inadequate, different and alone. On the outside I look like I am copping and if asked what is wrong, I will casually reply that I am fine. On the inside I desperately want to cry out for help or use what has become my medicine for this feeling, my drug of choice, but I don`t. I become bitter over time and life becomes a constant struggle with my demons. I`m not out there using drugs and breaking the law, but I am also not healing or growing as a person. I don’t change, I simply abstain.

Recovery on the other hand is a different experience of being separated from the power of drugs and alcohol. Recovery is accepting that I have a physical allergy toward any mind- or mood-altering substance and when I pick up just one drink, pill or illegal drug I am back on that highway to hell. I am through a single hit or drink the executioner of my own soul and emotions. Just one is enough to activate the phenomenon of craving within me which is characterized by the mental obsession, physical compulsion and self-centeredness of active addiction. Accepting this fact is laying the first brick in the archway through which I start letting go of a life of outer fulfilment that is the luxury of those that do not have the disease of addiction. My challenge now is entering recovery and finding a new way of life that over time, and with some effort, will give me what drugs and alcohol always promised me but never delivered. A life of new experience, excitement, accomplishment and connection with a higher power, nature and my fellow human being. I make the decision to replace my spiritual void with a program of action and in doing so I relieve myself from being inclined to use, that is recovery.

Recovery at first was an intimidating mountain filled with pitfalls and fears ready to take me back to emotional and spiritual bankruptcy. I had extensive knowledge of how not to live. I started to work a program of recovery that was written in such a way that I could apply it`s simple principles in my everyday life. Some of these principles seemed alien to me as I never considered them a safe course of action. Things like honesty (with self and others), acceptance, forgiveness and a willingness to push the limits of self-exploration. I had no idea who I was anymore. sad I know; however, it did mean that before me was a clean slate. I had the opportunity to decide to go back to serving a lower power (drugs, alcohol) or to start serving a higher power. When I was stuck in the cycle of pain from my untreated childhood trauma, fear of my secrets being discovered and the resulting rejection, I had become enslaved by the substances that removed that pain and fear. I was unaware of the patterns continuously repeating themselves in my life and I had lost my potential. Once I became awake to how these things entered every situation, I found myself in, with me, I became responsible for changing the patterns by changing my behavior. I had been given the program to show me how to handle every situation in order for me to become the person that I was always meant to be. I had to let go of my old ideas and of my old way of thinking. I could not reboot to some earlier version of myself because there was no earlier version of me that was not destine to become the raging alcoholic with a crippling drug problem that I turned out to be.    

I worked step one to twelve in order to the absolute best of my ability with a sponsor that I chose whilst attending 12-step Meetings. It is this fellowship and this Higher Power given program that saved my life and still saves me today. The things that I learned in the first weeks of my recovery are the same things that keep me from feeling the way I used to feel before picking up the bottle today. After all, it is not the drugs that is the problem, it is the way that I react to how life makes me feel that is my problem. I chose to pick up drugs when I felt life challenging me as the answer to the powerful emotion that this particular challenge brought up inside of me. My problem is not drugs or alcohol, my problem was that they had become the easy answer to my problem, an inability to deal with the emotional anguish I created when attempting to control how I felt. I owe everything that I am and have accomplished in my recovery to this simple program, the God of my understanding and my recovering brethren who have worked this program before me. This journey through the steps is the most rewarding thing that I have ever undertaken and I will as long as I am able, continue working the steps over and over again. Twelve step recovery has allowed me to connect with myself and my spirit in a way that I never dreamed possible. I am grateful to this program and work within the fellowship sponsoring and serving the fellowship in any way I can.

Recovery is a change that I make from repeating self-destructive patterns over and over again without even knowing how or why, to exploring new possible ways of reacting to life on life’s terms. Recovery is repairing what was broken and surpassing my expectations of how joyous and free life can be. Recovery is getting out there and truly enjoying life. I have for the majority of my life mistook the absence of emotion brought on by drugs or alcohol for happiness. I did not know better. Today I understand that happiness is an inside job, nothing from the outside world will fill my inner need for acceptance, love, connection and life experience. It is up to me to find a way to live that gives me this intimate connection with myself and the world around me and cultivates spiritual growth within me. I am responsible for cultivating passion for certain things, life is not just going to hand me sober excitement and fun, I have to go out there and find it!

I used to do one thing and only one thing, get loaded, what a boring person I was. I have through experience discovered love for many things in recovery. I started small, within the means of a recovering addict. I did a few hiking trails with others in recovery and rediscovered a long-lost love of nature. I did not have state of the art camping equipment but I made the effort and got out there. I spent only a few nights in nature experiencing the sounds, the camp fire and the inner peace of being one with the cosmos before it became a passion of mine. As is the nature of passion, I explored this further and added fishing to the mix. I bought cheap rods and reels from local pawnshops paying les for the equipment than the cost of my drug of choice. I kept my circle small, including none of the people I used to use with. I found my fellows within the walls of recovery and in people who respect my choice. I continued to explore my new found passion and today I fish for big carp and jump at the opportunity to do any form of fishing, camping or outside activity. I have added extensively to my camping equipment and spend time planning, experiencing, improving, exploring what I like and leaving the rest, especially my old ideas and beliefs about anything.

 I have also discovered a love for planting things. Also starting off small in my first fixer upper garden when I was finding my feet in early recovery. I started by planting flowers, then moved on to cultivating fruit trees and today I have built a net house with my family, strengthening our connection and exploring a joint passion. We plant vegetables and eat what we are able to grow. Through exploring my passion, I find others who share this love of life and I am able to build healthy relationships and even repair and strengthen existing ones. Through exploring this new passionate enjoyment, it once again took on a life of its own shedding light on many other enjoyable branches of self-sustainability like worm farming, composting, irrigation techniques, soil preparation, organics and the list goes on! 

Living used to be cruel and unusual torcher to me during active addiction. I was plagued by feelings of being different, not being good enough, loneliness and victim mentality. I was convinced that no one out there could ever understand me and if you felt the way that I did inside then you would also be using. Through an inability to share my emotions I had created an emotional prison for myself and sentenced myself to solitary confinement. Through taking responsibility for my own actions and being honest with myself about myself I was able to realize that I was my own worst enemy and my suffering had more to do with my own decisions than with the outside world. Today this directly applies to my experience of happiness, freedom and joy.

Author

David De Jager